Divine Feminine and Pleasure

Europen Tour

and Sexuality Conference in Copenhagen dates:

Dubrovnik: 10th- 12th Sep

Montenegro 13th -16th Sep

Vienna 17th – 22nd Sep

Krakow 27th-28th Sep

Copenhagen 28th – 30th Sep

Prague 1st – 6th Oct

Budapest 6-10th Oct.

Please contact me via email to dianeriley999 (AT ) ozemail.com.au to arrange a tantric lesson or talk in your area! We’d look forward to meeting you.

The Divine Feminine: Conference 25-11-11 Sydney Olympic Park.


At the start of sexual union,

Keep attentive on the fire in the beginning,

And so continuing,

Avoid the embers in the end.[i]


Let’s look more closely at pleasure. Ask anyone if they would like more pleasure and they will most certainly say ’Yes’. However, if we examine our society, we see a lot more focus on pain than pleasure — read the newspapers or watch the evening news and you will soon see how little attention is given to pleasure. We are a pain-orientated society, unhealthily addicted to the habit of wanting to know more about pain than about pleasure.

Watch your thought patterns and you will find, most likely, that you pay more attention to things that are going wrong, rather than right in your own life. In the mirror exercise in Chapter 3 ‘Luscious, Naked and Sacred’ I wonder if you looked at your body in the mirror and immediately focused on a perceived negative aspect, such as:

My ‘fat tummy’ instead of ‘my voluptuous, round body’.

My ‘heavy thighs’ instead of ‘my generous or loving thighs’.

My ‘sagging breasts’ instead of ‘my well-loved givers of pleasure and nourishment’.

With a negative mindset, although you may have beautiful eyes, great hair or a sensitive neck, your initial focus will be on what creates discomfort, irritation or pain in you, not on what gives you pleasure.

Enjoy the good happening now!

Most of us worry about the future or past and do not put our attention, thoughts and energy into enjoying the good things happening in the present moment.

When it comes to sex, we can have exactly the same thought habits. By not focusing on what pleasure we are feeling in the moment, we allow ourselves to become anxious as to whether and/or how quickly orgasm will occur. We feel pressure to come and measure successful lovemaking against orgasmic response.

Your inner sexual being can learn to enjoy the journey, not just the destination. Whenever you catch yourself thinking, ‘When am I going to come?’ —  or any thought that puts pressure on you to orgasm — shift the mind to ask yourself instead, ‘What is giving me pleasure right now?’ Perhaps it is the warmth and softness of your skin, touching your partner’s chest, the scents of love, the closeness with your partner, the love you are feeling and the sensations in your yoni. In other words, remember to enjoy, and be in, the moment.

Drink deeply

While you are making love, consciously focus your thoughts on something you are enjoying in your lovemaking, for instance the touch of his lips against your face; lose yourself in that sensation. Breathe in and imagine your whole body as an extension of that pleasure. Imagine this enjoyment is spreading to every cell of your body. Think of moments of pleasure as droplets of water being absorbed by your entire body. I call this drinking deeply of the experience. It will add so much richness to your loving if you can learn to do this.

Caress yourself regularly

We touch our bodies while washing, if there is a pain or ache we may rub that area, but often, those will be the only times we touch our bodies. However, it’s very pleasurable to touch your own body. Try gently rubbing you fingers over your face right now, then the back of your neck and be aware of the pleasurable sensations.

Your genitals are a particularly sensitive area of your body yet you probably only touch them during sex. When you were a child, it may have seemed natural to touch them relatively frequently as they gave you pleasure. But, probably, someone yelled at you or even punished you for doing this, telling you that it was dirty or rude. This is an example of how societal conditioning can affect our early years. It must seem deeply confusing to a child that something that gives so much pleasure, and is not dangerous, is said to be very bad.

If you notice your child enjoying the sensation of touching his or her genitals, there is no necessity to make a fuss about it. Simply let them know it is not appropriate to do it just anywhere, anytime, but rather that it’s something people do privately. Be careful not to react and make them feel bad about it.

Erotic perfume

The yoni perfume is saturated with female pheromones, which are secreted into the yoni juices. These attraction substances have a powerful effect upon the opposite sex. The human response to smell lies deep in the brain, affecting desire and attraction. In most cases, this natural perfume is more alluring to men than the most expensive perfume. If you haven’t ever done so, pat a little behind your ears or in the nape of your neck, or on your next letter of love and watch the effect! Some cosmetic companies have even added a chemical equivalent of female pheromones to some of their lipsticks for added attraction. Learn to really enjoy one of your best friends — your yoni. Become intimate friends with your pleasure palace!

Connecting touch

This exercise can be enjoyed with a partner while lying in bed before going to sleep. Gently place your hands over each other’s genitals without any intention of taking it further. This is especially good when both of you are tired after a hard day. You don’t want intercourse but you want to stay sexually connected. Just make it clear, ‘We’re not going to have sex, but I would like it if we could just hold each other’.

After a long day’s work, many feel so exhausted they want to avoid sexual connection of any form, even kissing. If this occurs, they or their partner might simply lie there, neither doing nor saying anything, yet secretly thinking: ‘He/she is more interested in their work than in me’ or ‘He/she doesn’t love me like they did before’.

As a result, either one or both partners can start feeling more disconnected from the relationship, not only at night, but also during the day. Don’t let yourself fall into this type of habit or you’ll end up only partners with your partner, not lovers! The small act of touching each other before sleep can be reassuring to both parties, signaling that though you may be exhausted, you still desire a loving connection.

Erotic pleasure can be calm and relaxing once you train your mind. It doesn’t always have to be hot and passionate every time you touch each other. There are many forms of pleasure you can give each other. If you and your partner decide to try this type of connection, then it’s important that neither of you puts pressure on the other to go on to full-on intercourse. If this happens to you, then the next time you’re asked, you’ll most likely refuse because your trust will have been broken. You’ll probably never try the practice again and you’ll be back in the same position of feeling annoyance because, seemingly, the only time your partner wants a loving connection is when he wants intercourse.

Not just foreplay

Everyone knows what their favourite foreplay is, but from the feedback I get from women, it’s usually experienced as a much shortened version of what they would really like(prompting the description of some men who want to skip  foreplay and rush to the ‘main event’ as ‘lazy lovers’). The following exercise isn’t about foreplay (which suggests something is to happen later) but focusing on the pleasure that is happening now.

Together with your partner, decide to pleasure each other for 30 minutes, 45 minutes, 2 hours, or whatever you decide, agreeing there is no end result, no orgasm needed by either partner for it to be classified as good sex. Often, women who have experimented with having a sexual experience with another woman find that it is much more of an experience of ‘pleasure for pleasure’s sake’ because the foreplay becomes love play, continuing much longer than it does with a man. Should either yourself or your partner orgasm when you try ‘Not just foreplay’ it’s OK, but it’s not the main goal.

A good idea is to take it in turns to pleasure each other for 20 minutes. In order to get the most out of this experience, your partner will need to be educated as to how he can spread the energy built up in his genitals throughout his body and help him avoid pelvic congestion (pelvic congestion release is dealt with more fully in Kerry’s book).

If your man simply ejaculates when it’s his turn, you probably won’t get much of a connection with him when it’s yours. If he pleasures you first, then he will most likely be too excited when it’s his turn. Subsequently, his focus will be on orgasm, not on pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

Lovemaking without movement

Try being together in genital contact, it doesn’t matter if your male partner has an erection or not, if his erection is firm and mighty, good; have lingam in yoni. If he has a soft lingam, lie close so that the head of the penis is touching the outside or the lips of the yoni, where there is no movement, for 15 to 20 minutes. Move only if the erection should slacken. The emphasis is on connecting lovingly; the mood is warm and tender.

The idea here is to keep focusing on the pleasure, to feel it; there is no necessity to move. This method of lovemaking is sometimes called karenza, (Italian for caress). In karenza, you are making love without an expectation, other than enjoyment, sharing and loving. The pressure for orgasm does not dictate the lovemaking.

Experiment with this four or five times before deciding whether or not it is a practice you want to incorporate in your lovemaking. Once you do get used to this way of loving, it can become a wonderful way of connecting with your lover.

[i] Rajneesh, Bhagwan Shree. Tantra Spirituality & Sex. Rajneesh Foundation International. 1983 p55

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deva_miten K&DMiten and Deva’s Premal beautiful music continues to inspire us every day.

I listen to many of their songs and chants  each morning and especially while I’m in my office or doing couples sessions. Such music is so heart opening! Thankyou.


“This blog consists of moving and beautifully written yoga entries by Eve Grzybowski. After 30 years of teaching in the city, her yoga journey has been reborn in rural NSW.”